Nightlistener
by suallenparker
Summary: Kathryn is depressed and Chakotay wants to find out why. Will she talk to him? J/C romance
1. Chapter 1

**Night-listener**

Disclaimer: Not mine!

Spoiler: a bit of Hunter

Rating: T

Summary: Kathryn and Chakotay have a long chat in the middle of the night...

Feedback: Please do! Makes my day.

Note: This is a translation of my german fic 'Nachtgespräch', but it´s only the first part out of three, so if you want me to post the rest, please let me know...

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**Part one**

Monday

They played a game.

He tried to make her talk to him, so that he was able to help. And she tried to keep everything to herself. If possible she even tried to hide the fact that she was miserable. It was an old game. They played more often, than Kathryn could´ve count. And it was a game, wherein she became less and less successful, as she noticed with a self-deprecating smile. Although she had so many practice in that game since her study-time. She actually had been pretty good at it. She was never that kind of a woman showed her emotions...

Chakotay of course could see beyond the walls that she had built around herself right from the start, more often than she liked to admit. He seemed to sense it, if she was in a bad mood and he always was there waiting patiently until she was ready to talk it trough with him. His calmness was his greatest weapon... From the beginning he wait for her after the meetings, he watched her with his reposeful eyes until they were alone and then she could decided if she either wanted to talk to him or leave. Later, he sat just a bit closer to her on her couch than usual while they read reports in silence. Or he invited her for dinner in his quarters or waited outside her door with a rare bottle of wine.

'It was safe to eat with him' she always assured herself while she allowed him entrance almost automatically.

'It's just dinner. Nothing serious. Just two people eating.'

Then he smiled and she thought: '_Ensign Walters died, because I didn´t protect him_' or '_We__ are running out of supplies._' or just '_I´m scared._' and '_Please hold me._'

He was there for only a minute and she already had to bite her lip to stop her from blurting out her fears. It was ridiculous how weak he made her with nothing more than a smile. Later he sat next to her chair and wiped the tears from her eyes because he´d said something about Spain and suddenly Kathryn had remembered that Wilson´s favorite place to go had been Spain...

But this time she would stay strong, she had no words for what she was feeling right now.

Kathryn wasn´t surprised, when she found Chakotay sitting on her couch, facing her door.

He hadn't been on the bridge, when she came back from the engineering. Besides he had told her, he needed to talk to her in private, before B´Elanna had called her to meet her at the engineering, so Kathryn had taken the opportunity and fled. She knew that he would wait for her afterwards; she just needed time to put herself together. She would lie to him, there was no other way, if she didn't; she would break down and cry... Weird, just two weeks ago they both had sat on his couch and he had been crying. She had been on his lap, his head nestled on her shoulder and his arms wrapped around her as if she had been his only hold while her hands had stroked his back in the desperate try to soothe him... And today she couldn´t even stand his hand on her shoulder without wanting to cry... That wouldn´t be easy.

Two weeks before

She had known that something was wrong as soon as she had seen him in front of his window, back to her and facing the darkness of space arms pressed along his body his hands in fists.

"Chakotay?"

She became uncomfortable. Since she arrived, he neither had turned around nor noticed her anyway. Carefully she stepped behind him and placed her hand gently on his shoulder.

"Chakotay?"

"She would be 28 by now." his voice sounded flannelly. He still refused to look at her but stared out of the window.

"Instead she died. They're all dead. I think I just realized that today totally- Stupid, right?" with those words he turned around. She could see that he had been crying. His eyes were red and his cheeks damp. Then he looked out of the window again.

_Oh Baby..._ Without thinking about the consequences she wrapped her arms around him and nestled her face against his back.

"I´m so sorry, Chakotay, so sorry." Only two month ago they had received the first messages from home after four years. But not only good ones. Especially for the former Maquis-crew. Because while they had been lost in the Delta-quadrant most of the follower of the Maquis had been murdered by the Cardassians many of them, Chakotay´s friends. Kathryn had asked herself when Chakotay would give into his grief. He had been strong for so long.

After she had hugged him a few moments she directed him to his couch. They sat down next to one another and he talked about his friends. About Bran and Mindo, who were close to him like brothers. Or Andrus- Or Pilla, who would celebrate her 28th birthday today.- So many names, so many losses.

"And I wasn´t even there to help them- to protect them" his voice cracked. "I should have been there, I should have..."

"No, then-"

_'-then you would´ve died to.'_ was all Kathryn could think of. And for the first time since they stranded in this damn quadrant, she was grateful for that stroke of fate.

Monday

"I won´t ask."

"Excuse me?" she looked up confused.

"I won´t ask."

"Ask what?" she raised her brow in question.

"I refuse to ask, how you are feeling." he said with a straight voice.

She remained silent.

"Which would be useless anyway, right? You would only say that you're all right."

"Because it's true."

"No. because you believe, you can lie to me." he told her calmly.

Kathryn would have preferred, if he screamed at her. Then she could have told him that he had overstepped his bounds and thrown him out. Now she would only seem hysterical if she did so. So she remained silent and waited.

"You should talk to somebody."

"There´s nothing to say." she replied without looking up.

"You´re a horrible liar, Kathryn."

"Excuse me?" yet she looked at him.

Chakotay´s adrenalin was as high as if he would fight against the Borg, though he was able to keep his voice calm.

"You're depressed."

He could see how Kathryn´s eyes became dark with anger.

_'Don´t __lose__ your nerves, old man. She´s listening now, so be __calm and don't mess__ this up__. -__ Or she would __have his hide._

Without allowing her time to respond he added: "You should talk to someone. Perhaps, you could talk with Tuvok or with me, a holographic shrink, if you prefer. The main thing is that you talk"

She shot him a death-glare.

"There is nothing to talk about, so shove yourself your shrink where the sun don't shine, Commander!" she gritted between closed teeth.

"You don´t sleep, you don't eat and you detach yourself from everything. We care about you. We all do...- Damn it, Kathryn. You are so thin that I am scared to break you by touching you.

Now he had lost his temper. He stood up quickly in front of her, his hands resting on her desk and bent forward to look her in the eye directly.

"So let me say it otherwise." he hissed. "You WILL talk to somebody, because I´m not going to loose you without trying to prevent it!"

"What gives you the right to talk to me like that, Commander?"

"What gives me the right?- First of all as the first officer on this ship I´m responsible for the well being of the crew, which includes the well being of the Captain as well. And second you´re my best friend and I-"

_'-love you.'_

All his anger faded and he had trouble breathing.

"...and I care about you." he ended lamely.

"There is nothing to say-" her rage had faded as well. "I can´t- It´s not possible... I... There is nothing to say, Chakotay

"Why not?"

She looked down.

"Is it a secret? Or is it against the rules?"

Silence.

"Maybe you would be able to talk to me if I wouldn´t remember the chat afterwards?"

"How should that work?" she asked and glanced at him.

"There is a kind of trance wherein I could talk to you and everything we speak of I would forget as soon as I leave this trance." he explained.

"We could share a vision, only we won´t search for it, we´ll create one..."

"I don´t know...I..."

"Kathryn." he pleaded. "Just give it a try!"

"Ok!"

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Hope you enjoyed it. Please be a doll and review


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

The same evening

A gentle breeze was floating over Kathryn´s hair while she walked bare feet through soft, warm sand to a small house. On her left side laid a blue ocean and on her right the light sand built itself up to dunes. The house was constructed of wood and was as light as the sand. It had big windows with red-painted frames and a red door, which was circumcised with lots of flowers and plants in clay pots. She wondered once again about how real all this here felt, though just her mind was here, while her body sat on the floor in her quarter.

The door creaked quietly as Kathryn opened it and entered a bright living-room with a yellow couch and a big fire-place. In front of the fire-place, Chakotay sat on the floor and made a fire.

"Hello Kathryn." he smiled soothingly as he looked up from the floor and noticed her tensed face.

"Hello yourself." she smiled back shyly.

She was still standing in the door when Chakotay gestured to the couch and she sat down on it hesitantly. Neither knew how to continue now, so they kept silent until Chakotay succeeded with the fire-making and sat next to her on the couch.

"I apologize for making such waves. I..."ashamed, she looked down at her hands, which laid in her lap crossed over each other.

"It´s all... it´s not, you know... I mean I´m...- Oh god I´m just babbling, I apologize. I-" she stopped talking as Chakotay placed his hand gently on her own, which lay in her lap twisted to fists.

"Kathryn."

He waited until she looked into his eyes before he continued. "Just tell me."

"I..." she concentrated on his hand again, which still touched hers.

"I don´t want to return home anymore."

He didn´t know how to answer.

"Oh."

_'Really eloquent, old man.'_ He bit his lip. '_Very helpful.'_

She laughed bitterly. "Oh yes... What haven´t I done to bring this crew back to the alpha-quadrant... I wanted to bring them back to their families... And now, the great Kathryn Janeway gives up.- How could I have said that?"

"Everybody loses hope from time to time, Kathryn..." he squeezed her hand gently. "I know, sometimes it´s hard... But this time it all going well, right?- And I´m sure, that we will make it home, Kathryn, back to your family..."-

"It´s not about families." she cut in.

"Don´t you miss your mother and your sister?" he sounded confused.

"Of course... but they are not so important anymore... Why do you want to go home, Chakotay?"

That question got him off-guard.

"Why I do I want to get back home?"

She nodded, still refusing to look at him.

_'I only want to be where you are...'- _

Bad answer.

"I miss my home-planet." he said then. "... the landscapes... the woods... the ocean... When we return I would like to build a house somewhere there..."

A melancholy smile crossed her face while he told her that.

"A house like this one?"

He had feared that question. What should he tell her? That he planned on building exact that house? Was it because he knew how much she loved the ocean, the color red, or books? - He wouldn´t remember anything when he would left this vision, but she would. And then she would refuse to talk to him by tomorrow, or have him arrested and he wouldn´t even know why.

Impossible.

"What´s it about then?"

"Excuse me?" now she was confused.

_'Smart switch, old man.'_ If he would go on like that she would definitely throw him in the brig.

"You said, it´s not about family. So what then?"

She remained silent.

"About a man?" he hoped not.

No reply. He pulled his hand back, which had laid on hers till then. "It´s about Mark, because he broke the engagement." '_Damn.'_

She waved her head slightly. "It's not about Mark. It hasn't been for a long time now, it´s not him..."

"But a man plays a part?" Chakotay wanted to bang his head against a wall. Why did he ask that? Did he need to know she was in love with another man so badly?

"Yes... No... I don´t know."

_'Now just shut up!'_ he urged himself.

"I don´t know, how..." she still didn´t have words to convey her feelings so instead she changed the subject.

"What do you think would happen if we return, Chakotay?"

A question he found so much easier to answer. "Well, I think first of all we would greet our families and friends and then..."

"...and then live happily ever after?" she smiled ironically and lifted a brow.

"But what happens, when star-fleet urges me to fulfill my former mission as soon as we arrive there?"

"You mean to arrest the Maquis?

She nodded. "How can I bring this crew home to betray half of them later?" she sounded furious.

"That won´t happen, Kathryn..." he tried to soothe her but she cut him off.

"Star-fleet sent me a message wherein they want me to write a report about the betrayers, as they named it."

"Well, we expected something like that." he only said.

"...expecting..." Kathryn waved her head. "I answered them, that there is not one betrayer on my ship, just one crew, who has worked tirelessly together to get us home."

"A good answer."

"A good answer?" she snorted. "A good answer to an obtrusive question."

He ignored her comment. "We should ask Tuvok to write a security report about the former Maquis crew. We should also submit an application to stop the operation. Then we´ll see..."

She nodded only and starred with dropped head at the fire. What should she answer to that? - That she and Tuvok already did both? They already wrote report and the application? - He would just ask himself what her real problem was. Worse, he would ask her! Now she had the possibility to let him believe they had all problems solved.

"What more?"

His voice disturbed her thoughts.

"I don´t know what you mean." she tried to bluff. But like always he looked it through.

"I mean that you would have already thought about everything we just discussed on your own. You would have told Tuvok or me anyway. Kathryn, that message from Starfleet cannot be the cause of your behavior. Please, Kathryn, what else is bothering you?"

Damn him, and damn herself for always underrate him like this... She bit her tongue.

"Chakotay, I am left with this feeling that nothing is safe anymore." She attempted to explain her feelings to him without losing her nerve or breaking down in front of him. "Everything is out of control, you know? Before that message came, I clung to the hope that we would arrive home safe and sound. That I, we would never have to worry about being killed by a crazy alien. The Alpha Quadrant always meant safety to me, a place of peace," she laughed bitterly. "That's what I told myself, I made myself believe that our being stranded here was our only stroke of fate that I was responsible for…"

He wanted to interrupt her but she gestured him with her hand to let her go on.

"A stroke of fate" she continued "that I could only make it up, when I would bring everybody back home, whatever it might cost.- But now? I just don´t know if it would be any better. It´s not just Starfleet, Chakotay, what´s about the Cardassians, Star-fleet covered everything they did and let's be honest here Chakotay, even if they, well nobody is waiting for me there."

Damn, she didn´t wanted to say that...

"Kathryn..."

"I´m sorry, I... Oh god that´s so pathetic..." she buried her face in her hands. "As if everything would be just about me... I´m so sorry...I-"

"Kathryn, stop." His voice was gentle. She became quiet, sitting hunched over with her hands covering her face. She was too ashamed to look up.

"Kathryn, look at me."

Carefully he took her hands into his own and waited until she dared to face him.

"Look at me. There is nothing to be sorry for, Kathryn." he said seriously. "Everyone has the right to be afraid. But you´re not alone, understood?" he was still holding her hands and squeezed them briefly before he continued. "You´re not alone, Kathryn, in the alpha-quadrant or anywhere else. Not as long as I..." _'am able to be with you.' _that he didn´t say out loud.

Nobody was waiting for her...

_'Mark.'_

So in was about Mark. Of course it was about Mark, she had loved him enough to engage with him at least...

"I´m sure that you could get Mark back if you still want to." he formulated tentatively.

"It´s not about Mark!" she replied. '_Why is he always mentioning Mark? - Can´t he see.._.'

"I was even relieved when he broke the engagement... To be honest... it´s about... I love..." '_you_.' She watched the fire once more. "There is this man and... And the truth is I would rather be lost with him than be found with another man... And if we would return, I would lose him, one way or another."

_'Then get over him and come with me!-Wow!- Just what she needs. A jealous jerk.'_

He let go of her hands and placed his fists into his lap.

"Is there no hope for you and that man?" he urged himself to ask.

"Hope?" she shook her head. "Provided that I succeed in bringing him back alive, he will be either arrested by star force or killed by the cardassians or you move back to Dorvan V..."

"I don´t understand... I will move back to...?" Was she talking about him?

"I love you, Chakotay."

_'Oh. My. God.' _He was speechless.

"I´m so sorry..." Kathryn stood up hurriedly. "I feel so stupid... I"

"The house is for you!" he cut in and grabbed her hand to make her stay.

"What?"

"The house is yours. The house, that I want to build..." he knew he was talking bullshit, but he couldn´t stop. "...And we don´t need to move to Dorvan if you don´t want to... We could stay on earth... or maybe travel... anything you want."

"What" She was close to tears.

"I love you and when you go now, I will just forget what you told me..." he managed to say, but he already felt how he was losing her to reality. A reality where he wouldn´t know that she loved him too...


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3**

The same night

The sound of the door chime brought him out ruggedly out of his trance. His neck and back were stiff and painful due to his position on the floor. As he opened his eyes, they slowly adjusted to the darkness that surrounded him. Before him, his medicine bundle was spread out as it was with every vision quest. A slightly blue smoke lingered in the room, the candle in the middle of his outspread bundle still held some ashes evidence of its recent burning. The room held a deep blue illumination from the stars outside his window.

Chakotay had no memory of the vision itself, like he had promised Kathryn. '_Kathryn'_, his stomach twirled. He had a feeling in the pit of his stomach; something must have gone terribly wrong.

The door chimed again, he stood up painfully and went to open the door. Before him, stood Kathryn, Chakotay's eyes were drawn to the tear stains on her cheeks barely seen through the yellowish hue that emanated from the floor.

_'She´s here to scream at you, old man. Or to fire me. Hell with my luck she will do both... Or she´ll be kind and will just kill me.'_ he thought cynically and tried to prepare himself to find a real good excuse for whatever he might have done... _'She will fire me and I won´t even know why... You can tell me everything without me memorizing anything of it...- Great idea, Chakotay, well done...'_

And then she smiled, "may I come in, Chakotay?"

He was shocked, she smiled. She didn´t scream and she called him by his first name not by his rank, as she always did when she was angry with him. He had no idea how he should deal this situation.

_'Let her in, you idiot.'_

Though it looked like he had lost his ability to speak rationally, he stepped out of the door and gestured her with his hand to come in. After she entered his quarters, the door closed behind her and they were left in the dark. Chakotay twitched as Kathryn, who stood nearby him, placed her right hand on his chest gently.

"I can´t see." she said. "Maybe we could..."-

"Yes, of course... I apologize..." he hurried to say. "Computer: lights, Fifty percent."

_'And once again because it fit so well: You idiot!'_ he scolded himself in thought. At least he had his ability to speak back...

"Your house is really beautiful."

...or not, he had not the slightest idea what he should reply.

When the lights came on, he could see Kathryn clearly. A strain of her red hair hung into her face her eyes were puffy and red but bright and she was still smiling.

When he didn't answer, she tried to explain herself: "In our vision we were in a house near the ocean... It was really beautiful there..."

She placed her other hand on his chest as well and came a bit closer. Close enough that he could smell the sweet scent of her hair while breathing.

"And Chakotay?"

"Hmm?" his voice caught, carefully he cleared his throat.

"I would love to move to Dorvan with you." she told him as she stood on her toes and kissed him.

Later

"What is it?" Kathryn turned her head slightly to get a better look at Chakotay. They cuddled on his bed with just a light blanket over their naked skin. With one arm wrapped around her, her head on his chest, he couldn't stop smiling; "I can´t still believe you´re here."

"You had better!" she planted sweet kisses all over his upper body."I don't intend on going anywhere."

"Kathryn?"

"Hmm?"

"Could you tell me... would you..."

"...tell you what had happened in our vision?" she looked at him full of wonder.

"If you´re able to, yes." he nodded. "And if not... I´m sorry I shouldn´t have asked..."

"It´s Ok, Chakotay. I want to tell you... It´s just so stupid..." she leaned her forehead against his chest so that her hair covered her face, but before continued to speak she held her head high again to watch him. "I love you."

He was confused but nodded. "Yes you told me..." he said carefully. "And I love you to... but I don´t understand..."

"No, Chakotay," she cut in gently. "That was the main reason..."

He still didn´t seem to understand so she exclaimed further: "Last time everything had happened so fast... Mark broke the engagement and I was free... and that...That message from Starfleet came. They wanted a report about the traitors."

"About the Maquis crew?" he asked.

"Yes about the Maquis crew. I was worried that..."

"We should also submit a request to stop the operation. And ask Tuvok to write a special..." he thought out loud.

"Just what you told me in the vision." lovingly she looked at him. "And exactly what Tuvok and I did..."

"This evening?" he lifted his brows in question.

"No." she smiled. "Right after I received that message... I refused to tell you then because I was so ashamed..."

"Ashamed?"

"For Starfleet." she explained. "They questioned you after they allowed the cardassians to kill all your friends. They don´t own the right to judge you... But the message made it clear to me that I could lose you if we would return home... That was the worst part, you know?"

He remained silent and let her talk.

"Even now, I am afraid you might die... but to lose you even though you should be safe... Did you remember when you told me about your friends two weeks ago?"

"At Pillas birthday?"

She nodded. "Yes, I know that I wasn´t really helpful..."

He waved his head and wanted to interrupt her but she just continued.

"...But all I could do was cling to you and think about how grateful I was to be stranded with you in this damn quadrant because otherwise you would be killed by the cardassians just like your friends... And all the reasons why I wanted to return home disappeared... And later I was ashamed. Not because I felt that I would let the crew down with my feelings for you but because I felt so stupid... I´m putting the life of every crew member at risk here every day... and still I was afraid to lose you in the alpha quadrant...Either to Starfleet or the cardassians or you would just move away."

"Oh Kathryn." he kissed her forehead.

"I thought there was no chance for us at all... That´s why I didn´t want to talk to you." she smiled at him. "Of course but you didn't stop until I gave into you... And so I told you that I love you." her smile grew wider. "And you told me you would build a house for me."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "I´m an idiot."

"No, you´re not." she caressed his cheek.

Both laid next to each other in peace for a moment, and then Chakotay frowned. "As you chimed at my door... I just came back out off the trance and I had this strange feeling... I felt empty. I believed that I had lost you... I thought you came to me to fire me... You left me... in the vision, right?"

"Oh Chakotay."

He became cold. "Why?"

"Because you wouldn´t remembered anything... I wanted you to memorize our first kiss, Chakotay." she took his face into her hands. "I´m serious about us, understood? I want it to work... I won´t leave you again." she said and looked him in the eye calmly.

"Understood." He smiled again grabbed her head with his left hand and kissed her.

THE END

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Hope you liked it. Please review


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